The Lone Ranger: Movie Review

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

 . . . Where do I start . . . -_-;;  How do I prevent this review from turning into a wild rant without spoiling everything . . . ?  This is going to be hard.

The Lone Ranger starts unnecessarily with a boy in the 1930's dressed as the Lone Ranger going into a Wild West circus exhibit.  There the boy meets an Indian who, wait for it!! . . . isn't a wax figure but the real life Tonto, friend of the real Lone Ranger.  And thus begins several wasted scenes where Tonto (Johnny Depp) plays the narrator, moving the story in haphazard, fragmented ways.  That's the first error of the movie; if the flick is going to have a narrator, choose a character that can adequately get the job done without leading us in circles.

This movie is another origin story, the original in which this is loosely based started in 1933 as a radio drama.  John Reid (Armie Hammer) is a lawyer who returns home to Texas, and is promptly deputized by his brother.  Oh, and John is in love with his brothers wife.  Every good hero needs a heroine on the side to save (preferably not of the sister-in-law variety . . . which doesn't bare well for his brother's future.)  Before arriving in Texas John meets Tonto, an Indian with an affinity for a dead bird and a troubled past.  There they have the first of many disagreements and form a common enemy in Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner).

The trailers for The Lone Ranger hint at a full on action flick, and while there is a fair amount of violence and action, in the end this movie plays as a comedy.  The Lone Ranger is a buffoon!  We are told he hasn't shot a gun in nine years, though this past story was never revealed, so instead of being a great shot, shooting guns out of the hands of enemies, his fumbles, trips, and gets lucky.  There's no real seriousness there, and there should be.  John Reid watched Butch cut the heart out of someone he cares for, only to then watch Butch eat it (off camera, but disturbing just the same).  This would have a profound affect on anyone, but John wants justice, and though that's honorable, there is a character depth lacking.  Even the most honorable man would be marred by a certain level of disgust and horror.

The humor style is reminiscent of Pirates of the Caribbean, but where the humor worked there is doesn't work here.  We don't need another enemy idiot who is seen dressing like a women and carrying a parasol.  Why the parasol?  It was funny in Pirates, but feels borrowed here.

On the topic of borrowing, Hans Zimmer's score is uninspired.  Through the whole of it I kept hearing motives from his previous works, notably Sherlock Homes.

The plot and sequence of scenes were jarred and inharmonious.  What was the point of having that 1930's kid?  The movie was long. 149 minutes long.  Careless scenes are worth nothing more then editing floor dust.               

And a note about the films rating.  It seems the MPAA is either getting soft, or the standards weak.  This is no kids movie.  Personally I think this is a super strong PG-13/mild R due to violence and cannibalism.         

Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action and violence, and some suggestive material.

. . . and as a final note Texas isn't Utah.  As much as I loved seeing shots of beautiful central Utah, and even a peak at awesome Mesa Verde in Colorado, anyone who knows western geography will feel the mismatch.