The Problem with "What If"

(After a snow storm a couple weeks ago)

The end of the year has me in quite the reflective mood.  I think we all get that way this time of year.  All the things we have done vs. all the things we haven't.  And sometimes that line of thought has us visualizing our life as a whole.  At least that's where I've been.

Paths.  All the paths we could have traveled down.  All the paths that have been avoided either because we were not ready or afraid.

We all have those huge regrets in life.  If you don't, congrats!  That's awesome.  But for the rest of us mere mortals there are those things that hang on us, wrapped around us with whispers of "What If."

What if I knew at an earlier age that I would have loved playing the drums in the marching band?  Silly, right?  But I'm a tap dancer.  I love rhythm.  Hearing rhythms actually calm me when I'm stressed out.  During the four years I was at Monache High School, they marched in both the Macy's Parade and the Rose Parade.  The two biggies!!  I didn't realize back then how rare that was, and during the years I was attending.  Our band had a fantastic drum line.  What if, right?  What if . . .

What if I was more brave towards the opposite sex and not so shy?  Of course the times I were a little more forward led to some embarrassing moments, but still, "what if?"  Would I still be single in Utah Valley?  Being single at 30 in Utah Valley is like being single at 30 during Regency England.  Not easy.  But still, "What if?"  Where would I be?  Who would I be?  Would I have kids?  What if . . .

What if I had the courage to try out for the Young Ambassadors while I was at BYU?  I had the courage to try out for the Classical Voice division of the School of Music, which is one of the hardest programs to get into, and I was blessed enough to make it, but I really wanted to be a Young Ambassador.  I saw them perform while in High School, and that led to endless nights of dreaming and imagining how amazing it would be to perform with them.  But when the time came, when the opportunity arrived, I chickened out.  I didn't even sign up for an addition!  And now I'm left with nothing but a "What if?"

The more I reflect, the more I realize how dangerous the "What if" can be.  There's no changing it.  It sits there mocking and blocking, preventing us from traveling whatever road we now should venture down.  And there's not just one good road, but many, crisscrossing and interlaced.

And what if those "What if's" lead me down the wrong road?  What seemed good could have led me away from something even better.

Who knows?  But it's possible.  There's a couple lines from the David Wilcox song "Hold it Up to the Light" that reads:

"The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light"  

    

 "I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?"   

The past can't be taken back, but what we do have is the present.  Sure, I've been wanting to learn Japanese for 12 years, piles, literally piles of books in my possession proving this, and yet I still only know a couple phrases.  I could be fluent.  Could, but what would I be think 12 years from now not knowing anymore then at present?  "What ifs" travel in both directions, and our choices now prevent future wonder, powered by wanting to prevent further regret.

I don't know, maybe my life would be better.  But then maybe I'm just where I'm supposed to be.  Regardless, this is where I am now.  I'm working with my brothers instead of having a solo career.  My brother, who got his degree in Gaming and Animation, his focus being 3D modeling, would have never discovered an amazing talent in arranging electronic music.  And it is a God given talent, because he's not trained, relying purely on instinct.  I have the music degree, and yet he's so much better at it then I.   

Regardless of all the "What Ifs" that flood my mind, one thing is sure, those "What ifs" led me here, and here is where I want to be.   

Sarah