What to write? What to say?
This last week has been so surreal that I've just been kind of in it, not wanting to find words to express my feelings. Observing in a dreamlike state.
Toilet paper. In all honestly I still live at home, the last of my siblings, and I've been helping my Mom take care of everyone. Last month, before the craziness, toilet paper was actually on sale at Costco. My Mom was debating between a pack of toilet paper or paper towels. I told her to get two packs of toilet paper. So we're okay on that front.
But I have a grandmother in her 80's, who had pneumonia last Summer, and an aunt who lives with her, both 100% self isolating. I haven't seen them in weeks, mainly because I was finishing up family photo projects, all of which has been taking over my life since October. Just this crazy need to organize, get them printed, get them done. I finished the last of the 10+ projects last Sunday. But because of these projects I haven't done my weekly visits to my Grandma.
Everyone in the family has been worried about her. She has enough food, but running out of toilet paper. Early this week my Mom went to Winco around 10 pm and they were restocking, some of which just happened to be toilet paper, so my Mom grabbed a couple and took them down to my Grandma and Aunt.
Last Thursday my Mom and I went to Winco again, and an employee just happened to find a left over packet of toilet paper while braking down boxes. For a moment my Mom got excited, but then I noticed a young man walk up, watching, not saying anything. No cart or holding any items. I said, "We're good, let's leave it." And my Mom agreed, "Yes, let's leave it for someone who needs it." As we walked away I glanced over my shoulder, and this man, hesitating, moved forward to take it, glancing a little in my direction before leaving. He clearly needed it. I was impressed by his patience, willing to let us have it if we needed the toilet paper.
There are two birthdays in my Family in March, and we always celebrate birthdays on St. Patrick's Day. Last week, before the craziness of last weekend, my Mom and I picked up everything we needed for the party. Then one person got a cold. And then another family member got sick, out of no where. So the party was canceled. My Mom was disappointed to not see her family. The nieces and nephew were disappointed to not see their Grammy. Then a thought came to me, "What if we divide everything and take it to everyone? And they make their own dinners with a side of Birthday cake? Then my Mom gets to see everyone." My Mom loved the idea. And everyone was excited.
It took a bit of time to make the meal kits and divide up the cake. Four hours later around 9 pm my Mom and I were at home cooking our meal. Everyone happy. Pictures coming into the family text showing their cooked meals. A unique birthday, but one we'll never forget. Happy faces while blowing kisses, air hugs from a distance.
That same night my brother and sister-in-law, who have a newborn, were running out of diapers and wipes. Robbie was able to find diapers, but couldn't find wipes. But while at Winco last Thursday there were a few baby wipes left! So relieved and happy to find them.
Friday was also filled with going to the store to find items for family members, getting Steven and Ty food because they were running out. Etc.
And in the middle of all this Wednesday happened. Woke up to an Earthquake at 7:09 am. Bed shaking. My wall shelves moving. I quickly grabbed by glasses in shock. Not now! Not this! With everything going on?! Seriously!!?? 5.7 next to the Salt Lake City airport. Thankfully no lives lost, only minor structural damage. The airport shut down a bit as the flight tower was damaged, but they were up and going by the end of the day. For one day Earthquake news clouded out everything else. Not the "Big One" everyone here is waiting for, but it's a dose of reality.
I'm an introvert. I essentially self isolate by nature. Just because, really, but I do want to socialize more and "get out there." It strange, for the first time in my life I'm being told to stay away from others. It's good! Slow the spread. And as I battle minor social anxiety this is all doing something weird to my brain. I'm relieved but sad all at the same time. When I was 14 I had jaw surgery, wired shut for 9 1/2 weeks. Liquid diet. Before this I hated spaghetti, and for about two weeks my family didn't eat in front of me. Then my Dad was like, "Screw this," and ate a plate of spaghetti in front of me, claiming that since I didn't like it, it was okay. From that moment on I've loved spaghetti. Being told not to socialize is like the World holding a big giant plate of spaghetti to my face.
I'm trying not to worry about the future, but it's my nature to do so. I'm glad my Mom and I took two of my nieces to Disneyland early last month, beginning of February. I've been following news about the "bug" since last December, when news started leaking onto some of the Asian news sites I follow. Taking the girls was fulfilling a promise. I talked with Michael, Krista, and my Mom, and they were chill. Go before the wave hits, if it does, take a chance. So we told the girls there was a sickness going around, so we had to wash our hands regularly and don't use air dryers. They were very good, and many times we left the restroom with wet hands. None of them got sick! I caught a cold that thankfully only lasted a week.
I was supposed to visit Disney World and do a Disney Cruise with my Mom, Steven, and Ty from February 24-March 4. Then early January Steven lost his job, and we decided to cancel the trip. It was two days before the cut off to get a full refund on the cruise. And all last Summer our flight back to SLC kept changing times, and because the time changed over 90 minutes (a total of 110 minutes) we were able to get a full refund on our flights, no strings attached. Found out on March 14 that a TSA agent from the Orlando airport tested positive for the "bug". We probably would have been fine, but it's still all crazy.
My Mom, Aunt and I started planning a trip to Hawaii with the refund money. We contacted a travel agent to find good deals. Secured a hotel and flight, but decided to sleep on it before fully processing everything. We were planning on going early April, next month. But that night, around 11 pm, I started getting this terrible feeling. My Mom had it too. And we called up my Aunt, my Mom's sister, and she was feeling it as well. So we canceled and didn't book the trip. It was announced yesterday that there are a lot of canceled flights going into and out of Hawaii.
I have hope we'll get through this and can pick up the pieces when we're through. Not all is lost. Right now my window is open and I can hear the beautiful song of birds, happily chatting about. It's peaceful. There's still beauty in the World.
I'll leave with a quote from C.S. Lewis.
"...In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. “How
are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why,
as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague
visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking
age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any
night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age
of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway
accidents, an age of motor accidents.”
In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors—anesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty."
This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds."
~ C. S. Lewis
"On Living in an Atomic Age” (1948) in Present Concerns: Journalistic Essays
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