The Next 5 Years, Overcoming My Regrets . . .

(I picture I took while on a camping trip.)

"Often the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive yourself.  Discouragement is part of that test.  Do not give up.  That brilliant morning will come." ~ Boyd K. Packer

I think I'm about to get really personal here.

I've been struggling a whole lot these last couple weeks.  The trip to California was great.  I needed a break from life, to regain focus after that whirlwind of deciding to serve a LDS mission, being super excited about this opportunity, and then praying and realizing that my purpose is elsewhere.

And during the process of preparing for a mission--end of August/early September--I kept getting this overwhelming, almost suffocating feeling.  A feeling that the World was changing.  We were possibly heading into hard times.  And then the choice: Where do I want to be?  With my family or abroad?  I felt the question, felt the Lord allowing my agency, and felt my place is here.

What is coming?

I don't really know.  Honestly, I don't.  Sometimes I feel a whole lot crazy.

But I'm a news/current event junkie, and I need to know what's happening in the World, and, admittedly, with Ebola, ISIS, etc, It's hard not to become paralyzed with fear.

I've been feeling the fear.

And I've been feeling the regret.

Regrets.

Lots and lots of regret.

Not being married.  Not having a family.  Worry that I'll die never knowing either of these things.  Crazy?  Yup.  But as a Latter-Day Saint who's 32 and single, marriage and family is everything, and not having these things make me feel like a failure.  And I regret not being bold enough.  Regret letting my introversion keep me from being social at times, keeping my exposure to guys at a minimum.  My fault.  Entirely my fault.  I've got no one but myself to blame, which doesn't make my regret any easier!

And then there's my music and talents.

I have so many ideas!  3 book ideas (a sci-fi series for adults, fantasy series for kids, and an LDS romantic comedy where I can vent all my single 30+ frustrations).  I have 5 musicals I'm working on.  Obviously not finished.  Far from finishing any of them.  And Songs.  So many songs I want to sing and perform!  And I'm allowing insecurities from stopping me.  Oh, and games I'm working on with my brothers.

I've been blessed with talents and ideas, and I don't have anything to show for it.

My self to blame.

Entirely me.

And hypothetically, what happens if there is an Ebola pandemic in the near future?  I've heard from two sources that it's possible over a million people here in the States can be infected by late January/early February.

Nature has a balance and cycle, and we're technically/statistically overdue for a pandemic.  Modern medicine has helped slow the cycle down.  But we're overdue.  And even if the situation in Texas becomes controlled, that doesn't mean others have come here with a 21 day incubation time, or people sneak over the Southern border for help, issuing a pandemic birth.

So, hypothetically, what if something happens?

What if something happens and I die?

I've been feeling it.

Feeling like if I die now I'm dieing a total failure.

And I hate the feeling.

Several weeks ago I was watching The Blaze, and they were discussing something that happened 5 years ago, and how its changed them.  And another comment how, in only 5 years, you can become a whole new person.

And then I got to thinking, not liking at all what I've become.

What happened 5 years ago that could explain who I am now?

And I remembered: Exactly 5 years ago I was laid off from a really good job working as a Press Clipping Editor.  The money wasn't great, but I had independence.  I was moving in a positive direction.  And then the economy tanked, and a lot of people started getting laid off all over the Nation.

I was hoping I wouldn't join the statistic.  I survived the first round of lay offs at the company.  But when our head supervisor retired early, and I gave her a hug during her going away party, I knew something was wrong when she said, "You're all good workers.  Everyone here are such good workers."  I stood back as she started to cry, and I felt the dread.  Sure enough two weeks later I was let go.

And I let that define me.  I didn't think it was defining me.  But it has been.  Failure.  No matter how hard I tried it wasn't enough.  Failure.  And without realizing it that feeling of failure and that it doesn't matter how hard I work, I'm going to fail regardless, has dominated my subconsciously.

Goodness, last week I had one of those "losing teeth" dreams that I haven't had in over a decade.  In the dream I lost two of my front lower teeth, they were loose and I pulled them right out, and then I tried to sing.  In the dream I recorded myself singing and all I could focus on were the missing lower teeth in the video.  After waking up I searched "Losing Teeth in Dreams," and I gathered from several sources that losing teeth is symbolic of insecurities, abandonment, getting left behind, powerless, helplessness, etc.  Nothing good.

The dream literally woke me up.  I knew these feelings were deep, but not that deep.

"Often the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive yourself.  Discouragement is part of that test.  Do not give up.  That brilliant morning will come."  I feel like I need to repent for not using my time wisely.  For not living up to my potential.

But I can't fully repent unless I forgive myself.  And if I can't do that, I won't be able to move forward.  And I need not be ashamed of discouragement.  It's apart of the process.

I don't know what will happen to me.  Will I die in a few months?  Anything, honestly, can happen.  A meteor can fall from the sky and hit me on the head.

It's good to be smart.  It's good to be aware and prepared.

But it's also important to live.

I can't waste what I have of the present and immediate future with worry and regret.  That would be a true crime!  And then I'll really be regretful of my paralysis!

I'm going to focus on living.

I'm going to focus on the future.

And I'm going to work on making my actions in the present count towards the future, so that, in October 2019 I'll be in a great place.  And these last 5 years will be a blessing, because I learned and overcame, and thus became stronger in the process.

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." Richard G. Scott.

Here's to the next 5 years! :0)