Keep On Trying... The Try Debate Continues... :P

Trying is important.  Yoda got it wrong!  I know, I know, the little wise man is cool and all, did amazing things in that fictional world of his, but he did get some things wrong... some things... (Actually, it's been forever since I've watched the prequel trilogy). :\ 

"Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible -- And that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you."

 ~ Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God"

And then Elder Holland said this...

(Found this meme online somewhere, so not my creation)

But "We get credit for trying" is quoted in "Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You". I linked the video because it's so good, and I don't know how anyone can listen, or watch, Elder Holland and not feel comforted and loved.  So if you're feeling a little down, this talk might help. 

This sentiment has been on my mind lately, as I flounder and meander.  Not at all progressing the way I feel I should.  It's funny how things we need to hear or feel pop up just when we need it.  And today I needed it.  Today I needed the reminder.  And then I discovered this workout health guy talking about Atomic Habits.  And dang I needed that too.  The Youtuber is Mark Lewis, and there's a Part 1 and a Part 2.  I've only seen a few of his videos and they seem good.

I have terrible habits!  Oh, I've got dreams and goals for days, but that's all they are.  Dreams and goals.  Not reality.  Not physical.  Good wishes and hopes stuck in my head.  Until I get good habits sorted out, developed, and daily, I simply won't attain my goals.  

And a little while back I watched a HealthyGamerGG video "Why You Can't Turn You Creativity into ANYTHING." This is also a good watch.

I'm just so good at the all or nothing game, followed by burn out and then nothing. I'm facing all this wrong.  Slow and steady, built on a solid foundation, wins the race... or simply achieves the dream. 

A lot of things to think about.  Right now I think my key is analyzing my morning and evening routines and fixing them. The start and end of a day. Beginning and end. It seems one feeds into the other, and my routines definitely needs work.

Hope you're having a great week!

 

The heater went out a couple days ago, and it's 62 degrees in the house currently.  Fun times.  The repair guy came over and the part has been ordered.  Strangely I was super cold earlier, freezing last night, but right now I'm not feeling it.  That's good.  I'll take it!! 

Sarah

A Wish For You

This is a simple post.  I stumbled across this quote a few days ago, and it's true.  I hope this for you, for all of us. :0)

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Have a wonderful week,

Sarah

You Must Believe

A friend of mine shared this quote online, and it was just the thing I needed pretty much now and always, so sharing this in its entirety.

“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.

 

"God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.

 

"Drawing upon my vast background of children’s bedtime stories, I say you can pick your poultry. You can either be like Chicken Little and run about shouting “The sky is falling; the sky is falling” or you can be like the Little Red Hen and forge ahead with the productive tasks of living, regardless of who does or doesn’t help you or who does or doesn’t believe just the way you believe.” Jeffery R. Holland (Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast; September 12, 2004)

 

Have a wonderful week,

Sarah

 

Learning From Flowers

"Learn from the Flowers.  Everyday is a new opportunity to experience, to grow toward the light."

~ Unknown (from my wall calendar)

I'm in such a Spring mood!! :D

But really, this is a nice quote.  Spring always amazes me.  Maybe a part of it is living where we have four seasons.  In California we sorta get a semblance of Winter, but not like here in Utah where it snows and everything dies.  Flies and ants seem to hibernate (sigh, the ant killing season has officially begin).  Now everything is warming up.  No more bundling up and breathing like dragons in the frigid air.  (Though, granted, breathing like dragons is really cool).

Last year during all the crazy I started buying potted plants, one of which was a purple hyacinths.  It was medium height and the instructions stated to turn the pot a quarter everyday.  Well, I got the flower all situated that first night, and the next morning I woke up to see the flower completely bent over, the top of the plant stretching for the gap in the curtains.  It was dark, yet the flower remembered where to find the light.  It was desperate for the light.  I completely turned the flower 180, hoping it could pull itself up, and it tried.  The next several days the top of the hyacinths curled up, but it never recovered.

It was sad seeing the hyacinths struggle, but it was touching as well, seeing the flower crave the light, and it reminded me to look more closely to the light as well.

Yesterday I went with my family to an exhibit in Salt Lake City, which I haven't visited since 2019.  On the way home I had the window down and the light on my face and arm.  Usually I avoid the light due to sunburns, but yesterday I needed it.  I needed to feel the light.  Feel its warmth.  Amazingly I didn't burn.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Sarah

Joy in Flowers

"Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul." ~ Luther Burbank

Everyone has little things that make them happy: Their children, favorite team winning a game, seeing something new, spending time with loved ones, a beautiful sunset, a good book, etc, etc, etc.  It's always nice to find joy in the little things and in little moments.

Flowers hold such joy with their beautiful colors and wonderful scents.  Spring just wouldn't be Spring without buds on the trees and flowers dancing up from the ground.

I'm so ready for Spring.  It's technology here, starting over a week ago, and the weather is in that confused state where it doesn't know if it should be cold or warm, and so tries both, sometimes on the same day.

The trees a starting to color, dead branches coming to life in greens, pinks, and white.  This time of year is always so beautiful.

PS. The vase is from the Worthington Gallery in Springdale Utah.  Their shop is quite nice, but you can purchase items online.  Mad Art Studios made the actual vase, a husband and wife team living in San Diego.  I fell in love with it immediately, and even though my funds are tight this vase seemed to beg to come home with me.  Doesn't it look so beautiful with the tulips?  A piece of art I'll always treasure.

"I must have flowers, always, and always." ~ Claude Monet

 

Take Courage

"Whatever loads you are carrying now, take courage.  Allow the light of courage to move you forward, and courage to fill your life with light." ~ Kate Lee

I hope you are all doing well.

Whatever you are going through I pray all is alright.  

Don't lose faith.  Fear doesn't mean weakness.  You are strong.  There is always light to be found.

Sarah

A Changing Mindset

Was I sounding at all defeated yesterday?  Because, in the back of my mind, I was feeling a little defeated.  It's like this total battle with my brain saying one thing, but my heart and fingers saying another.  I was hoping for better results, but was disappointed and feeling a little hopeless, but then the other part of me kicks in and is like, "You can do it.  Push through!  Everyone plateaus and gains weight when making changes."  And so forth.  Then the doubt comes back in, like can I do it at all?  This is all for nothing.

(For those who haven't read my previous posts and have no idea what I'm talking about, I walked/biked/ellipticaled 153 miles last month, and gained 3 pounds accordingly).

The funny thing is, what I'm about to say I've probably already said.  One of these days I should go back and read all these posts about health and such just to see the roller coaster and the back and forth.  Losing weight and getting healthy truly is a mental game.  It's a constant tug between "yes you can, give it time" vs "none of this is working, just quit because it's pointless".

So, even though I will periodically weigh myself as one form of measurement, I'm focusing on more positive things.  The fact I got all those miles last month and didn't give up, even though the thought was oh so tempting.  The fact I realized that lung medication I was on was hurting my mental health and stopped.  (The walking really is helping.  The 3rd week of December I only got 9 miles, and by the end of the week my lungs were tight and I was coughing a bit.  Right now, late at night, my lungs are feeling pretty good.  I theorize the walking causes my lungs to expand with deep breathing, and that's why it's helping).

I do need to get off the sweets again.  They're my Achilles heel.  But I do feel better, dang it, and it would be funny if I lose weight again as I continue to get miles and incorporate strength training.  I'm also increasing my veggie intake.  Went to the store and got some greens, so I'm prepped for tomorrow.  So that's another thing I'm going to focus on, feeling good through food choices.  I may not be losing the weight at the speed I wish, which is one step forward and a million steps back, but how I feel needs to be paramount.

Side note, I went to the store to grab epsom salt, which is why I originally went.  Preparing for increased muscle aches.  While there I wandered down the hair aisle and noticed an increased amount of hair scrunchies.  Scrunchies have always been available, but I haven't used them since I was a kid.  Well, there were some cute ones so I got some.  The 80's seem to be coming back in many ways.  As long as we don't bring back shoulder pads.  

Anywho, the future is unclear.  So many possibilities (and the scenarios currently running through my head aren't good).  Regardless, I'm going to focus on the things within my control.  Health is so much more than a number on the scale and a tag stitched to the inside of pants.

Until next time,

Sarah

"Our responsibility is to rise from mediocrity to competence, from failure to achievement. Our task is to become our best selves. One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final." Thomas S. Monson

Learning to Let Go

 "One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go.  Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss, or betrayal.  Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go." ~ Mareez Reyes

I'm the sort of person who struggles with change.  Knowing what to expect is a comfort.  Computer program updates causes me internal stress and frustration.  And maybe, overall, I hold onto things too much.  Perhaps there are dreams I need to rethink and replan... no, I'm going to be stubborn on some goals and hopes.  But when it comes to guilt and loss, disappointment and frustrations I definitely hold on longer than I should. 

It's hard watching people leave.  It's hard not having love met.  It's hard when things are torn away from us.  And maybe that's why some of us hold on so tight, we're afraid of the loss and the change.  We're afraid of something different and the unknown, even if it's for our best.  It's hard to let go of things that seem good and/or beneficial, so we cling tight, even when that thing is slipping away.

Those are the moments that need a pause button.  A reflection button.  There are things in life we need to fight for.  But if there's something in our life that is unknowingly toxic, well, that needs to be discovered.  

There are also other things that we hold onto that's not good.  Bad habits.  Sins.  People who abuse, but then manipulate to maintain control of the cycle.  If we're addicted to a substance that isn't good for us, letting go is challenging.  There are personality traits that, left unchecked, hurt not just ourselves but others.  Changing is hard, but change for growth is necessary and good.

Sometimes we have no choice but to let go.  It's thrust upon us.  The shock is troublesome and unbearable, but clinging to the loss, after proper grief, can be harmful.  Letting go and moving on can bring peace.

Whatever you're struggling with, I pray you'll find peace and love.  Don't be afraid.  Pause and reflect.  Embrace life.  Even in these uncertain times there is still joy, peace, hope, and love in the World.  No matter what there are good days ahead.

Until next time, 

Sarah

#Givethanks Day 6: The Gift of Life

Another quickie as I like to write these the day before, and I just had Thanksgiving dinner, family is still over, and I'm about to fall asleep. :P Actually, true story.

But goodness, have you ever stopped to realize the incredible blessing it is just to be alive?  To have a life!?  To be in this moment right now?  It's remarkable.  Truly.  Life is remarkable.

Granted, everything isn't perfect.  I'm super crazy far from being perfect.  And there are some things I'm doing better at than others, by a lot.  But you know what?  I'm just happy to be alive.  

Life is a miracle.

You are a miracle! :D

(PS. The pie was yummy. :0)

"I have concluded that counting our blessings is far better than recounting our problems." ~ Russell M. Nelson 

(This challenge is inspired by President Nelson's challenge to share Gratitude everyday for a week on social media.)

It's Never Too Late

I almost went another day without blogging.  Sorry about that.  Sometimes I'm super jazzed up and write a whole lot, and then sometimes I'm banging my head on my desk while fighting procrastination.  But I didn't want to go another day without sharing a little something.

One of the things I enjoy doing while surfing the net is to collect quotes.  Little sources of inspirations and motivation.  They're gems that I gather into a little treasure trove, opening and reading through when times are tough, or when I'm struggling.

The quote below, which hopefully hasn't already been shared, is one of my favorites.  It is religious, but a lot of the quotes I gather are spiritual.  This quote is one that's saved on my desktop and read often.  

“However late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.”~ Jeffrey R. Holland

Have a wonderful day,

Sarah :0)

Spiritual Quotes That Have Helped Me Get Through

This is another one of those posts I debated on writing, mainly due to its spiritual nature lending to Latter-Day Saint theology.  

It was May, 2019, and President Nelson was finishing up his tour of the Pacific Islands.  It was an amazing tour, and he was finishing up in Tahiti when he said, "There’s trouble ahead.  Prepare for attacks from the adversary. Please protect yourself from Satan’s traps, including harmful drugs and pornography."  Pretty standard warning, really, as the Adversary is always attacking.  It's the "trouble ahead" that kept echoing in my mind.  I mean, there's always something to look out for.  Life is full of highs and lows.  Despite my internal dialogue I took the warning to heart, still living life, still hopeful for the future, just glancing at the storm on the horizon that seemed to circle as if in a holding pattern.

This year has been crazy, there's no denying it.  Memes abound for coping and remembrance.

The first quote is from Elder Neil A. Maxwell.  Funny enough I shared this quote about two years ago on this blog, and then removed it.  I was afraid it was too deep to share, but I'll share it again.  It's from 1984, when I was two years old, and Elder Maxwell is speaking to the children of the church: 

"It’s extremely important for you to believe in yourselves, not only for what you are now, but for what you have the power to become. Trust in the Lord as He leads you along. He has things for you to do that you won’t know about now, but that will be revealed later. If you stay close to Him, you will have some great adventures. You will live in a time when instead of just talking about prophecies that will sometime be fulfilled, many of them will actually be fulfilled. The Lord will unfold your future bit by bit.  All the easy things that the Church has had to do have been done, so you’re going to live in a time of high adventure. You were brought to this earth because you can handle that time of adventure, and you will do well."

This quote has brought me a lot of comfort these last couple years.  I look at that quote and think, "High Adventure."  What does that even mean, and does it mean what I think it means?  Are we in those times of adventure now?  Or are we not quite there?  Whenever it is, we have the strength to overcome.

On August 5, 2020, Russell M. Nelson tweeted: "Dear friends, the road ahead may be bumpy, but our destination is serene and secure. So, fasten your seatbelt, hang on through the bumps, and do what's right. Your reward will be eternal."

Here are two more quotes by President Nelson. "You were taught in the spirit world to prepare you for anything and everything you would encounter during this latter part of these latter days. That teaching endures within you!" "Plead with the Lord for the gift of discernment.  Then live and work to be worthy to receive that gift so that when confusing events arise in the world, you will know exactly what is true and what is not."

There's many more quotes that have helped me find strength through discouragement, but these are the main ones.  Life is crazy and uncertain, but we will survive.  We have the strength to overcome.

"The Father is at this moment aware of you, your feelings, and the spiritual and temporal needs of everyone around you." ~ Henry B. Eyring

 

You Are Extraordinary

C.S. Lewis once said, “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.”

I don't know what you are dealing with right now.  I don't know your worries.  Dreads.  Thoughts.  Heartaches.  I don't know what keeps you up at night.  I don't know what makes you laugh.  What you find joy in.  What tickles your fancy.  I don't know your struggles.  Your triumphs, your failures, and everything in between.

But I do know this: You are extraordinary.  You are amazing.  You have so many gifts and talents.  You have loved ones.  Dreams you wish to achieve.  Places you wish to see.  You have the power to make someone smile.  Bring someone happiness.  You are of infinite worth and potential. 

“The same God that placed that star in a precise orbit millennia before it appeared over Bethlehem in celebration of the birth of the Babe has given at least equal attention to placement of each of us in precise human orbits so that we may, if we will, illuminate the landscape of our individual lives, so that our light may not only lead others but warm them as well.”  ~ Neal A. Maxwell

 

Finding the Joy in Life During Extraordinary Times

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.... Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." ~ Jenkin Lloyd Jones

I kinda don't know how I feel about this quote.  

It's a good quote.  There's truth in it.  And life definitely has its hardships and unpredictability.  This year is proof of that.

Two thought:

I've been watching a lot of Frank James YouTube videos.  They're all about personality, personality skits, stuff about Introversion, and understanding INFJ's.  I'm still skeptical about this stuff, but it's interesting, and stuff does ring true at times.  Anywho, he has a video called "Be the Author of Your Life...",  and he share's a good metaphor talking about stories, and that no author writes a story in which their main character doesn't experience hardship.  All good stories have character growth, and in our stories we need to have growth as well, and that means going through stuff of the not fun variety.  We need to be willing to grow, and our lives will be more interesting because of it.

And, well, if you haven't noticed on my blog I have a close relationship with my Mom.  We're family and friends.  But we're also different in many ways.  She declared a couple days ago that she's going to be an optimist again.  She's a natural optimist.  I'm the cynical realist, which is often confused for negativity.  It's the cause of occasional debate.   (Honesty isn't negativity, just saying).  Needless to say, she's always been really positive, but these last several months have stolen that from her, and she's determined to not let the World ruin her spark.  

So although I agree in part with the above quote, and there's good things to take from it, where's the line between acceptance and challenging current circumstances for the better?  Believing that more, good things are possible?

Life has its difficulties.  Life has its challenges.  Life can swallow you up.  But life is also beautiful.  Life has its moments of glimmer.  Despite everything life can still be wonderful.  Life is wonderful.

We may not be where we want to be at times, many times, but there are still so many little things that make life grand.

So I'm going to work on being a little more optimistic myself.  Challenging times can make us weak or make us strong.  We are the authors of our lives.  Let's create in ourselves great characters in our life's story.  Within myself I'm learning to distinguish that which I can't immediately change verses that which I can challenge so I can grow to become a better person.  And I'm going to find the beautiful, extraordinary, hopeful side of life and believe in all that is wonderful in the World.

 

Swiftly Moving Time

Can you believe we're now in June?  Better yet, can you believe we're in the second week of June?  Christmas is in 28 weeks with 2021 New Years following a week after.  Time is moving crazy fast.

Last week it started feeling like Summer in Utah as we reached the 90's.  Then over the weekend it rained and poured, bringing much needed precipitation.  A couple days ago it was a very chilly 52 with snow in the Mountains.  Utah weather, right?  A whole 40 degree difference in only a few days.  It's just crazy how fast time is moving, though I'm not complaining, I just need to be a better steward with my time.

Last Monday night, after off and on rain, the sun came out to dance upon snow capped Irish green mountains with feathered clouds.  So, so beautiful. 

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Look for the Sunlight through the Clouds

 (Another oldie but goodie photograph I found from yesteryear)

"Look for the sunlight through the clouds.  Opportunities will eventually open to you." ~ Gordon B. Hinkley

 and...

"Every one of us has a potential we can scarcely imagine." ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

These two quotes almost have a fortune cookie feel to them.  That burst of sunshine that brings hope.  You wonder if they're at all meant for you, or maybe these cookies were meant for someone else?  Even so, it's good to be hopeful.  Why not believe good is around the corner?  That there is sunshine after rain?  Sun behind the clouds?  And we can find the sun.

We all have potential.  Vast, great potential.  Maybe you've realized yours.  Maybe you're still discovering.  But I believe we all have untapped opportunities and talents buried within us all.  It's not something to be overwhelmed by, but to be excitedly discovered.  We all have buried treasure to seek, dig, refine, and purify.  Isn't that exciting?  Ha!  I'm going treasure hunting.

Happy digging!

The future is bright and beautiful. 

Believe in Miracles

"Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost.  Hope is never lost." ~ Jeffrey R. Holland

Just a nice little thought to start the weekend.  I hope everyone is doing well.  Remember to never lose hope, no matter what you are battling.

(The above picture is several years old, found on a recently discovered thumb drive that was lost.  It's already been shared somewhere on this blog, but I wanted to share again.  Brings back memories. :0)

Having a Moment... :P

"Reality Called, so I hung up... "

This pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.  Heh, well, it sums up how I've been feeling these last few months.  I can't be the only one, right?  Gaaaaaahh!!  Heh, yup.

I hope everyone is having a good day.  I'm taking a moment to hang up on reality.

(How many kids would get this reference?  Just realized that understanding what "hung up" means dates me a little.  That's funny.)

Do It Anyway

"Stay afraid, but do it anyway.  What's important is the action.  You don't have to wait to be confident.  Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow." ~ Carrie Fisher

I look at that and I'm like, "Easier said than done."  I know.  I know.  I know.  It's true, though.  Still working on my confidence! :P

It's interesting, reflecting and realizing all the things I didn't do in my life, that I dreamed of as a kid, simply because I let fear and shame overtake me.  It's sad.  And I'm like: WHY!!!!!? But it happened.  I let it happen.  I was afraid and didn't go down paths I should have tread.

I'm kind of in an interesting place right now.  I got to participate on two episodes of the Creator's Playbook, a podcast two of my brothers put together, and I really enjoyed doing those episodes.  It awoke something I let die within me.  My brothers were going to have me on once a month, but they've been restructuring, have a lot of other guest they want to bring on, so I found out last weekend that I'm only going to do an episode every other month.  I'm happy they're finding joy and good footing in their project, and I understand their plans, but I won't lie, I'm a little sad over it, and it has me thinking about stuff.

I discovered my love of the stage when I was four.  It was a magical moment standing in front of that audience, dance shoes on, peeking to the side to see my teacher give us hints for the dance steps.  It was an awakening moment, a feeling I'll never forget.  It felt like home.  I felt at peace up there.  An interesting feeling to feel at such a young age.

As time went on I thirst for the stage, taking advantage of community theater, more dance, singing, and other opportunities.  And then I stopped.  Just stopped.  Honestly, it's something I don't even understand.  I hate being the center of attention.  Hate it!  I get embarrassed and hide in the corner.  I struggle with compliments, too.  I'm really pretty quiet, unless I'm completely comfortable with the people I'm with or talking about something super interesting.

I've also let insecurities overrun me.  In the last decade or so I did audition for two musicals.  For Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat I made it to the dance audition, which didn't go great.  Did the steps, but my endurance left a little to be desired.  I left the room defeated, feeling unworthy to more forward.  A couple years later I auditioned for the Christmas Carol.  Sang, and the person next to the director asked if he wanted to ask me anything.  He shook his head "no".  And I haven't auditioned since.

pretty much I let two excuses overrun any desire to audition and perform again: My weight and the fact I wear glasses and can't get use to contacts.  Really it's silly!!  I know it!!! 

But doing the podcast awoke my love of performing.  It's strange, I have a hard time with social situations, but I don't have a problem at all with performing in front of people, whether singing or talking.  I've always felt at ease giving talks in church, and it's really difficult to give one that's less than 20 minutes.  I print out quotes and scriptures.  Make a list of experiences that tie in.  And then bullet point the talk with ideas.  I hate fully writing it out.  Before a talk I never know what I'm going to say, running scenarios in my mind.  It's not until I'm in the room that my thoughts and feelings start to come together, and then when I speak the words just come out.  A lot of the time it's not at all what I planned.  Granted I still feel nervous, but in the moment I'm at ease.  I think doing the podcast brought this out of me.  This side I've been hiding and suppressing that's somehow, unexplainable, apart of me.

So I have things to think about.  And I have fears I need to face.  And I need to tackle my lack of confidence and just do it.

I need to do life.

Earthquakes, Toilet Paper, and Finding Hope

What to write? What to say?

This last week has been so surreal that I've just been kind of in it, not wanting to find words to express my feelings.  Observing in a dreamlike state.

Toilet paper.  In all honestly I still live at home, the last of my siblings, and I've been helping my Mom take care of everyone.  Last month, before the craziness, toilet paper was actually on sale at Costco.  My Mom was debating between a pack of toilet paper or paper towels.  I told her to get two packs of toilet paper.  So we're okay on that front.

But I have a grandmother in her 80's, who had pneumonia last Summer, and an aunt who lives with her, both 100% self isolating.  I haven't seen them in weeks, mainly because I was finishing up family photo projects, all of which has been taking over my life since October.  Just this crazy need to organize, get them printed, get them done.  I finished the last of the 10+ projects last Sunday.  But because of these projects I haven't done my weekly visits to my Grandma. 

Everyone in the family has been worried about her.  She has enough food, but running out of toilet paper.  Early this week my Mom went to Winco around 10 pm and they were restocking, some of which just happened to be toilet paper, so my Mom grabbed a couple and took them down to my Grandma and Aunt.

Last Thursday my Mom and I went to Winco again, and an employee just happened to find a left over packet of toilet paper while braking down boxes.  For a moment my Mom got excited, but then I noticed a young man walk up, watching, not saying anything. No cart or holding any items.  I said, "We're good, let's leave it." And my Mom agreed, "Yes, let's leave it for someone who needs it." As we walked away I glanced over my shoulder, and this man, hesitating, moved forward to take it, glancing a little in my direction before leaving.  He clearly needed it. I was impressed by his patience, willing to let us have it if we needed the toilet paper.

There are two birthdays in my Family in March, and we always celebrate birthdays on St. Patrick's Day.  Last week, before the craziness of last weekend, my Mom and I picked up everything we needed for the party.  Then one person got a cold.  And then another family member got sick, out of no where.  So the party was canceled.  My Mom was disappointed to not see her family.  The nieces and nephew were disappointed to not see their Grammy.  Then a thought came to me, "What if we divide everything and take it to everyone? And they make their own dinners with a side of Birthday cake? Then my Mom gets to see everyone."  My Mom loved the idea.  And everyone was excited.

It took a bit of time to make the meal kits and divide up the cake.  Four hours later around 9 pm my Mom and I were at home cooking our meal.  Everyone happy.  Pictures coming into the family text showing their cooked meals.  A unique birthday, but one we'll never forget.  Happy faces while blowing kisses, air hugs from a distance.

That same night my brother and sister-in-law, who have a newborn, were running out of diapers and wipes.  Robbie was able to find diapers, but couldn't find wipes.  But while at Winco last Thursday there were a few baby wipes left!  So relieved and happy to find them.

Friday was also filled with going to the store to find items for family members, getting Steven and Ty food because they were running out. Etc.

And in the middle of all this Wednesday happened.  Woke up to an Earthquake at 7:09 am.  Bed shaking. My wall shelves moving.  I quickly grabbed by glasses in shock.  Not now!  Not this!  With everything going on?!  Seriously!!??  5.7 next to the Salt Lake City airport.  Thankfully no lives lost, only minor structural damage.  The airport shut down a bit as the flight tower was damaged, but they were up and going by the end of the day.  For one day Earthquake news clouded out everything else.  Not the "Big One" everyone here is waiting for, but it's a dose of reality.

I'm an introvert.  I essentially self isolate by nature.  Just because, really, but I do want to socialize more and "get out there."  It strange, for the first time in my life I'm being told to stay away from others.  It's good!  Slow the spread.  And as I battle minor social anxiety this is all doing something weird to my brain.  I'm relieved but sad all at the same time.  When I was 14 I had jaw surgery, wired shut for 9 1/2 weeks.  Liquid diet.  Before this I hated spaghetti, and for about two weeks my family didn't eat in front of me.  Then my Dad was like, "Screw this," and ate a plate of spaghetti in front of me, claiming that since I didn't like it, it was okay.  From that moment on I've loved spaghetti.  Being told not to socialize is like the World holding a big giant plate of spaghetti to my face. 

I'm trying not to worry about the future, but it's my nature to do so.  I'm glad my Mom and I took two of my nieces to Disneyland early last month, beginning of February.  I've been following news about the "bug" since last December, when news started leaking onto some of the Asian news sites I follow.  Taking the girls was fulfilling a promise.  I talked with Michael, Krista, and my Mom, and they were chill. Go before the wave hits, if it does, take a chance.  So we told the girls there was a sickness going around, so we had to wash our hands regularly and don't use air dryers.  They were very good, and many times we left the restroom with wet hands.  None of them got sick!  I caught a cold that thankfully only lasted a week.

I was supposed to visit Disney World and do a Disney Cruise with my Mom, Steven, and Ty from February 24-March 4.  Then early January Steven lost his job, and we decided to cancel the trip.  It was two days before the cut off to get a full refund on the cruise.  And all last Summer our flight back to SLC kept changing times, and because the time changed over 90 minutes (a total of 110 minutes) we were able to get a full refund on our flights, no strings attached.  Found out on March 14 that a TSA agent from the Orlando airport tested positive for the "bug".   We probably would have been fine, but it's still all crazy.

My Mom, Aunt and I started planning a trip to Hawaii with the refund money.  We contacted a travel agent to find good deals.  Secured a hotel and flight, but decided to sleep on it before fully processing everything.  We were planning on going early April, next month.  But that night, around 11 pm, I started getting this terrible feeling.  My Mom had it too.  And we called up my Aunt, my Mom's sister, and she was feeling it as well.  So we canceled and didn't book the trip.  It was announced yesterday that there are a lot of canceled flights going into and out of Hawaii. 

I have hope we'll get through this and can pick up the pieces when we're through.  Not all is lost.  Right now my window is open and I can hear the beautiful song of birds, happily chatting about.  It's peaceful.  There's still beauty in the World.

I'll leave with a quote from C.S. Lewis.

"...In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. “How are we to live in an atomic age?” I am tempted to reply: “Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents.”

In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors—anesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty."

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds."

~ C. S. Lewis

"On Living in an Atomic Age” (1948) in Present Concerns: Journalistic Essays

Don't Be Ashamed of Hard Times

"Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty." ~ Thomas S. Monson

and...

"When things go wrong, maybe we aren't failing--maybe we're learning." ~ Wendy Ulrich

Life is crazy.  So many things seem to be going crazy right now.  Emotions here and there.  So many thoughts. Ups and Downs.  Regardless of what's happening outside my control, there's quite a bit inside my control I feel I keep messing up.

Without getting into details, because there's a lot I'm working through, I've been learning a lot.  About myself.  Gained five pounds, but it's not affecting me like it has in the past.  Step by step, and finding confidence and acceptance is getting easier.  I'm on a quest, upwards.  I will get healthy.  I will get better at accomplishing goals.  but change is a process.  It hurts.  It's aggravating.  I want fast solutions, fast improvements, but true change requires patience, repetition, work.

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the task itself has become easier, but that our ability to perform it has improved." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't give up.