"Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What's important is the action. You don't have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow." ~ Carrie Fisher
It's interesting, reflecting and realizing all the things I didn't do in my life, that I dreamed of as a kid, simply because I let fear and shame overtake me. It's sad. And I'm like: WHY!!!!!? But it happened. I let it happen. I was afraid and didn't go down paths I should have tread.
I'm kind of in an interesting place right now. I got to participate on two episodes of the Creator's Playbook, a podcast two of my brothers put together, and I really enjoyed doing those episodes. It awoke something I let die within me. My brothers were going to have me on once a month, but they've been restructuring, have a lot of other guest they want to bring on, so I found out last weekend that I'm only going to do an episode every other month. I'm happy they're finding joy and good footing in their project, and I understand their plans, but I won't lie, I'm a little sad over it, and it has me thinking about stuff.
I discovered my love of the stage when I was four. It was a magical moment standing in front of that audience, dance shoes on, peeking to the side to see my teacher give us hints for the dance steps. It was an awakening moment, a feeling I'll never forget. It felt like home. I felt at peace up there. An interesting feeling to feel at such a young age.
As time went on I thirst for the stage, taking advantage of community theater, more dance, singing, and other opportunities. And then I stopped. Just stopped. Honestly, it's something I don't even understand. I hate being the center of attention. Hate it! I get embarrassed and hide in the corner. I struggle with compliments, too. I'm really pretty quiet, unless I'm completely comfortable with the people I'm with or talking about something super interesting.
I've also let insecurities overrun me. In the last decade or so I did audition for two musicals. For Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat I made it to the dance audition, which didn't go great. Did the steps, but my endurance left a little to be desired. I left the room defeated, feeling unworthy to more forward. A couple years later I auditioned for the Christmas Carol. Sang, and the person next to the director asked if he wanted to ask me anything. He shook his head "no". And I haven't auditioned since.
pretty much I let two excuses overrun any desire to audition and perform again: My weight and the fact I wear glasses and can't get use to contacts. Really it's silly!! I know it!!!
But doing the podcast awoke my love of performing. It's strange, I have a hard time with social situations, but I don't have a problem at all with performing in front of people, whether singing or talking. I've always felt at ease giving talks in church, and it's really difficult to give one that's less than 20 minutes. I print out quotes and scriptures. Make a list of experiences that tie in. And then bullet point the talk with ideas. I hate fully writing it out. Before a talk I never know what I'm going to say, running scenarios in my mind. It's not until I'm in the room that my thoughts and feelings start to come together, and then when I speak the words just come out. A lot of the time it's not at all what I planned. Granted I still feel nervous, but in the moment I'm at ease. I think doing the podcast brought this out of me. This side I've been hiding and suppressing that's somehow, unexplainable, apart of me.
So I have things to think about. And I have fears I need to face. And I need to tackle my lack of confidence and just do it.
I need to do life.
