The Beast You Feed

"One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  He said, 'My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.  One is Evil: It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.  The other is good:  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.'  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'  The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'" ~ Native American Cherokee Story, from a picture meme.

I just got back from the U.K./Ireland.  This is why I haven't had any blog posts in the last few weeks.  All the traveling.  It's been amazing.  Wonderful.  Though I've been overwhelmed by it all.  Right before the trip I realized that I needed to write 15 blog posts in a few days.  And so I froze.  And the blog post I last wrote had a more negative tone that I carried with me to Bath, like an anchor around my neck.  The weight was bothersome, and I went to the blogger app to edit the post a little.  Not too much, but enough to lighten its tone.

Immediately I felt better.  Still sad I couldn't write all those posts, as I usually do before a trip, but at peace and ready for adventure.  And then my mind thought about the story of the two wolves and "the one you feed."  Suddenly I realized the wolf I'd been feeding, and even though I rewrote that blog post didn't make it any less true, I was simply feeding another wolf, and my spirit lifted in the process.  How powerful those two wolfs are.

A couple nights ago I was lying in bed, awake at 1:00 am after sleeping a few hours, unable to sleep due to jet lag, and so I turned on a radio app and streamed classical music.  A host came on and told the story of Beethoven losing his hearing.  He started going deaf around 26 years of age, but later on he wrote a letter to his brothers, explaining his thoughts on the matter.  He actually contemplated suicide, but fought against it.

"but what a humiliation when one stood beside me and heard a flute in the distance and I heard nothing, or someone heard the shepherd singing and again I heard nothing, such incidents brought me to the verge of despair, but little more and I would have put an end to my life - only art it was that withheld me, ah it seemed impossible to leave the world until I had produced all that I felt called upon me to produce, and so I endured this wretched existence - truly wretched, an excitable body which a sudden change can throw from the best into the worst state - Patience - it is said that I must now choose for my guide, I have done so, I hope my determination will remain firm to endure until it please the inexorable parcae to break the thread, perhaps I shall get better, perhaps not, I am prepared." ~ Beethoven, to his brothers in the Heiligenstadt Testament, 1802.  It's worth a read.

Ironically a few hours later a video from Twoset Violin popped up on my Facebook feed, all about Beethoven and going deaf, and how his greatest works were written later in life.  Then they did a deaf composition challenge that I didn't watch.  But it got me thinking, how different would Beethoven have been if he didn't face this challenge?  Would he have written his magnificent 9th Symphony that other amazing composers adored and influenced?  Would we honor Beethoven and his genius as highly as we do?  Now that I've read what he faced, what he contemplated, and fought through, it makes me admire Beethoven all the more.

To his brothers he wrote, "It is my wish that your lives be better and freer from care than I have had, recommend virtue to your children, it alone can give happiness, not money, I speak from experience, it was virtue that upheld me in misery, to it next to my art I owe the fact that I did not end my life with suicide . . . with joy I hasten towards death - if it comes before I shall have had an opportunity to show all my artistic capacities it will still come too early for me despite my hard fate and I shall probably wish it had come later - but even then I am satisfied, will it not free me from my state of endless suffering? Come when thou will I shall meet thee bravely."

Let's not feed the beast.  Let's feed that which will give us light, joy, a clearer perspective.  Peace.